life smife

WOO! it's halloween! be ghoulish.

that's it.

is there a future here?
i don't know.

i have a lot of questions and relatively no answers.
i need to buy film for the polaroid.
mmmm, maybe today?

i have a good feeling about the weekend....

call me and let's have some fun.


oi for the poodles.

i found my soccer cleats!

yeeeesssssssshhhhh!

finally.
in a deep dark tiny corner of the spider infested garage.


now i wont have to buy new shit ones.
and a bonus :D i found my old shin guards as well.
my excitement is undeniable.

i lost my phone somewhere in my house
but oh well, i'm exhausted, i'll concern myself with that mishap tomorrow.

and! and! and!
i went berry picking today!
it was brilliant.
my mum and i spent a day together and went on an amazing adventure.
we got a hot tip.
and next thing you know, we were driving up a mountainous road,
near a stream, where we inevitably stopped and found berry patches!
we searched and picked and ate and picked
and got pricked and scratched by many many berry thorns.
by the time we were done my hands were blood red
from the berry juice. it was brilliant.
mmm mmm mmm.


it was a marcus-ly brilliant day.


ps they were blackberries :]

pss i have scratches on my feet and hands from the thorns :[

dear fire detector,

thanks for ruining my morning nap.

fuck you.

love,
lauren.

fuuuuccccccckkkkkkk.

that is it.

i was better.
i was amazing actually.

today. today is not good.
my grandmother is dying.
i was told today.
she will most likely be dead within 48 hours time.
i will never see her again.
i haven't seen her in years.
and now, i will never see her again.

i am over it.
will you let me be over it?

i want to write songs.
but i am too see-through
and it scares me.
when did this shit start to concern me?
i used to never care.
i never cared what people thought.
i just was who i was and all was well.
when i take a moment to breath, i suppose i am that same person.
it's not like i have changed because i have not.
but when i am not who people are used to.
when i am struggling.
when things are on my mind and bothering me...
people around me don't rightly know how to handle me.
they don't know what to say or do.
i can tell they want me to be "lauren" again.
because she is easier to deal with.
she is always happy or content and making everyone smile.
ohhh it kills me.
i am thankful though.
because i do have people who care.
and i am thankful.

i am getting lectured every fucking day
about the importance of getting straight A's in school.
i guess i know it is good for me.
but really?
i hear i am doing well, i hear i am damn near perfect.
how have i decieved you all with this illusion?
i never tried to.
i don't want to be thought of as perfect or even near to it.
because i am not.
i am human just like everyone else.
but i am getting lectured about this one thing.
like if i achieve straight A's then everything will be alright.
maybe thats not me.
do you think about that?
maybe that is not what i want.
maybe i do not want to be at the top of my class
because maybe that is not being the best i can be.
or is it?
is this just all a jumble of stupidity?

english class has taught me one thing thus far.
fragments. i think, speak, and write in fragments.
the odd thing is, is that i like it.
one thing that i kind of like,
but i have to change it.
i have to become more sophisticated, according to education.
and the educated people in my life.

sometimes i wish there would be conclusions in life.
just as a chapter in a book concludes.
can't chapters in our lives either conclude... or keep going?
does it always have to be a mystery?
i mean, we never know what is going to happen.
we may lose contact with close friends or enemies
but we never know when they may come back into our lives
or if they ever will.
through out my life there are so many people to meet.
and although there are a lot of terrible people out there
i have met many amazing people
and it has always made me sad knowing that
these amazing people may only be in my life for a season.
actually, it kills me.

i am trying to keep it together.
and i suppose i am.
it just doesn't always seem like it to me.

i want to write.
i feel like there is so much to say. it seems like so much has happened.
but i do not know what to write.
words are escaping me.

i miss people.

ohhh life. why?
yes. i stick to the fact that life is
a tragic comedy.

mhmmm.

summer school it pretty much sucky.
yupp.
although i have met an amazingly awesome girl, teresa.

that's it.

i am a free spirit.

i will not be tamed.

shove your face into the city with no name.
i hope it makes you happy.
you left.
you refused to grow up.
what's left for you? except an imaginary world that does not exist.
i wish i could tell you how i feel to your face.
but i am held back, not allowed,.... restricted.
even if i did happen to see you, would i be able to?
or would you do everything within your might to stop it from coming out?


i feel like i am trying to do many things, but failing at most.
although what shocks me most, is the people. people keep believing in me.
no matter what i do. or how badly i might screw up.
they keep giving me a second chance.
this is not the way the world turns. i've been told.
so why is it happening to me?
why am i getting so many second chances?


i was able to convince myself and everyone around me
that i had it under control.
i knew what i was doing.
they are still convinced.
but me? have i bitten off more than i can chew?
fuck.


the days just keep on passing by,
and where do they go?
i see the calendar and days being marked off by what seems like seconds.
before i know it june will be over.
before i know it summer will be gone.
before i know it, my life will be gone.
will i have accomplished my dreams?
will my life have been meaningful?
will i leave a legacy?
so many questions with so little answers.
i mean sure, i can answer them.
i can plan out my entire life, detail by detail.
i am good at that.
but the truth is, why even try to predict the unpredictable.
there is no way we can really know what is going to happen
next year, next week, or even tomorrow.
but we still have to plan.
that is the killer.
for if we don't plan... what are we living for?

soul mates.
do they really exist?
something to contemplate.

writing has quickly become my new best friend.
i've forgotten how much i miss it.

why do people have such a problem being alone?

i've realized my dream.
to live on a rocky cliff-like ocean area for a week.
entirely alone.
with books. paper. and a piano.
ahhh the beauty.
i've missed being alone.
as odd as that sounds.
it gives me time to think to myself and not to be bothered with the mundane.
how very lovely indeed.

wake up and smell the coffee.
or rather,
wake up and have the coffee grounds shoved into my face.

what am i doing?
funny thing is, i am the only one who can answer that.
no matter how hard i try to wish it were another way.

i can no longer procrastinate.
growing up is inevitable.

lies are bullshit.
ovbiously.

but why do we lie?
seriously, why can't we be okay with who we are and what we are doing?
why can't we just be fucking honest with other people,
and ourselves?

i'm back in chimichanga ville, as cameron would call it.
where chimichangas grow on trees.
also known as rancho cucamonga.

moved all my shit in today and i have a nice cozy little room (didn't get the big one like i was hoping). i rearranged and changed everything. just a bit of decorating this weekend and i'll be set. woot. i really like it, got my keyboard and everything.

welcome next three months.

whelp it's almost summa' time.
woot!
i suppose.
i think i've lost my enthusiasm though...
not sure why.
meh.
don't really care.

i've been thinking a lot about the past year. and how much i have changed. wow. crazy shit. it's odd though, because i was talking with my mom and i said something like "it's crazy because i have changed a lot. i guess." and she said something along the lines of, "really?!" as in, "you've changed?!" have i changed? i don't really know. i think the core me is still the same, possibly stronger than ever. but the portrayed me has changed...

meh.

i am really excited for summer.
i have a plan.

it's going to be amazing.
number one, i get to move into the big room in my moms house.
so i will have lots more room.
namely for my bed and keyboard.
i plan on writing a few tunes this summer.
i already write, just write, a lot.
i have about six or seven notebooks plus a computer journal...
i figure there are a lot of lyrics in those.
so i am really excited about my up and coming
late night summer musical sessions.
hopefully, some of what i write will be good...
so i can finally start playing at the local coffee shop.
it's going to be a busy summer.
but totally worth it.
the first few weeks of june will be busy, full of trips and fun.
then summer school starts.
hopefully i'll be able to work at the library across the street.
i love that place. and i wouldn't need to drive to get there.
then it'll be my birthday.
woohoo!
nineteen. my last year as a teen. i'm looking forward to it.
i have always liked being odd numbered ages better.
i am also really excited about being with my mom.
something that i dreaded before.
i don't really know why.
i mean, she is amazing, and i love her.
sometimes we clash. but that is a part of life.
but i think we can really help each other out with life right now.

wow. i am really optimistic about this summer.
i think i am feeling like it is a chance to start over.
to be home, where i have my roots.
and to grow, more into the person who i am at heart and who i want to be.

today was a good day...
except for the fact of
"damnit! i can't ever seem to talk when it's important....."
sigh.

had coffee and dinner with a good friend from last semester
who i never get to see anymore.
it was swell.

piano can die.
i'm not ready for reality.

for once in my life, it would be nice to be normal.
possibly?
why can't i ever get my heart broken like a normal girl.
by some guy they like or stupid shit like that.
my heart has only been broken once, now, maybe twice.
my dad being number one.
and a best friend of mine being number two.
fuckfuckfuck.
maybe i am just to protective of myself.
family and people like family are the only ones i let close enough
to care deeply about. deeply enough to get hurt by.
bleeeeh.
am i doing the right things?
is my life the going the way it should be?

i am too damned introspective.

enough complaining and contemplating.

it's just great.
:]

how the smallest interactions with different people during the day
make my day.
it's always the little things that make me happy.
the little things.
one person can add some joy, without even knowing it.
and i can add joy to someone, without even knowing it.
that's why you gotta keep being happy.
:D

i have a bloody headache.
the first one in months.

blaaahhhhh.